We've been dealing with the second half this week. It's honestly exhausting, and completely fruitless. It's way more difficult than reasoning with my 4 & 5 year olds.
It all started with an email that was about sports and at the very end it said something that was immediately a red flag to me.
Background info: My mom is getting re-married to a nice man in July. I'm happy for her, and ultimately she is an adult & it's her choice and her life. Period.
Well, in the email my dad said something about 'maybe around the wedding'. Like I said - immediately red flags began to wave. I talked to Aaron about it that night. I needed to respond, but wanted to find a way to communicate that I didn't want to talk about the wedding with him. We could make plans for July & leave it at that, right?! The word that came to me immediately though, was BAIT. I knew it was bait - to reel me in to crazy town with him.
So, 24 hours later (I have yet to respond), I get another email from him. This one is less subtle and more manipulative and victim-y. Short & bitter it simply said: Sorry...since I never hear from you unless it is the obligatory holiday call I won't bother you. I really get the sense that I am to be forgotten
I KNEW it was bait! Yeah, okay so this one pissed me off! I wrote out one email & then deleted most of it and re-wrote another because I knew the first version was just biting back. This may seem like an overreaction on my part, but I've been dealing with this for 2 years, I KNOW the routine.
I DID use the opportunity to draw some boundaries about not wanting to talk about my mom, her fiance, her wedding or anything else. I said that I want a healthy relationship with him and he can call me too - it's not just my responsibility to call him. Also, why cant he just say 'I miss you' and 'what's new?' Why does it always have to be this over-dramatic crap?
Well, I will sum up the rest, because I'm not going to justify his vomit & vial spewings. Basically, it did not go well. He was absolutely verbally abusive & after many attempts to reason with him - making the truth plain before him, it became blazingly obvious that there is just no point. I told him that we are both adults, and our relationship is our own. He can't blame anyone else. And at this point he is pushing me out with his actions & behavior.
I didn't say this, but at the end of the day, I know that I can't fix him. I'm not his mother - I have 3 children, I do not need a 4th that is in his 50's. I just cant do it. And more than that, it's not fair to my family. When he is spewing his crap, it affects me. He is trying to pull me into crazy town, and I just cannot let him do that to me anymore.
This week I have had to pray constantly and play worship music continuously (seriously 24 hours a day) just to hold on to sanity by my finger nails.
So it is desperately sad to me, but I just cannot continue to have relationship with him at this point. If he was physically hitting me, I wouldn't take it anymore. I have had counsel about this as well, because I just plain don't trust my emotions. I'm too in the middle to see straight.
What I DO know, is that I have put up with this for 2 years. He is not capable of having a relationship at this point. And I cannot sacrifice my own sanity for him or the sanity of my family, and my children. I'm not going to do it.
He is an addict. Alcohol, sex, and God only knows what else. He has been for (most likely) his entire adult life. I know that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. More than that - I cannot be a casualty of his addictions & sickness. I cannot allow his choices and drama to throw my life into upheaval, to affect my mood or the mood of my household. All I can do is decide to be healthy.
So, that is what I am trying to do.
Sometimes life with parents sucks - way to make a decision - especially a hard one - I will keep my fingers crossed for your sanity - if you need any coffee - give me a call
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