I've been feeling frustrated a lot more easily lately. And I finally realized (after much ruminating) that I think it's about grace. I was graced for many years to be a stay at home mom and with that came a sense of contentment and enjoyment in all of the little things everyday. It doesn't mean it wasn't hard or frustrating ever, but overall I felt full and content. I had dreams, but I had a peace about it being in the future and not now.
As I have gotten oh so close to starting this new chapter in my life (& ours as a family) I have felt that old grace dissipate. It's like water running through my fingers. I am trying to focus on enjoying things the way they are right now, because they are going to be changing. And I DO for the most part, but I have also been feeling a lot of guilt at how hard I have to try.
I know I don't have to say this, but I still feel compelled - so here goes: This is not a lack of love for my kids. I adore them. They are a big part of the reason I want to step into this new chapter too. I want to do something that allows for family to still be the priority. And I want to have a way to help support our family & enable us to do the things we want to do. I want my kids to be proud of their mom too - I want them to see this part of me. I want to bless people & step into a deeper aspect of who God made me to be, too.
I know it sounds dumb, because I'm going into Cosmetology which is a fairly vein field, BUT I really want to help people - women specifically. I want to bless them & help them feel refreshed & good about themselves. When I was pregnant & a mom of super little kids I felt drained all the time - I desperately loved when I could go to the salon & feel like a woman. I would have loved to have had those be times where I was encouraged. I had perfectly fine experiences, but I still felt like I didn't quite belong in the salon - I wasn't hip enough or thin enough, etc. I want to be what I wished that I could have had. So, that in my own little way I can make a difference in people's lives. Even if it's just to give them a relaxing experience with some encouragement & to help remind them of how beautiful they are.
So, anyways...after all the ruminating, I realize it's all about the grace. The grace to do what we are called to do in the time we are called to do it. So, instead of feeling guilty, I am trying to remind myself that it is okay - even good & necessary for the grace to be changing as I step into this whole new chapter of life.
I don't usually, but I was watching the Opera show, the final one and she was talking about this exact thing! It was awesome to hear her encouraging all the people who watch her show by telling them that their passion is a gift from God and you can use it to bless people, even if it doesn't make you money or famous! She told a story about getting a facial and she said she told the woman "you're the best zit popper ever" and the woman said it was because it was her passion.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing mom and I don't think anyone doubts your commitment to your family. I think you will be amazing cosmetologist because you are so encouraging to talk to and incredibly accepting, that is what people look for in their favorite hair dresser. You're gonna be great!!
Aw, thanks Kait!
ReplyDeleteI saw that Oprah too. Super encouraging & great perspective. :-)