Ugh!

It's been a hell of a week emotionally. My parents split up 2 years ago. Ever since then, my dad has been a bit crazy - vacillating manic-ly between sort of wanting to get healthy, functional, and repentant AND sadly much more often being a manipulative, victim that acts crazy, hurtful and quite frankly verbally abusive.

We've been dealing with the second half this week. It's honestly exhausting, and completely fruitless. It's way more difficult than reasoning with my 4 & 5 year olds.

It all started with an email that was about sports and at the very end it said something that was immediately a red flag to me.

Background info: My mom is getting re-married to a nice man in July. I'm happy for her, and ultimately she is an adult & it's her choice and her life. Period.

Well, in the email my dad said something about 'maybe around the wedding'. Like I said - immediately red flags began to wave. I talked to Aaron about it that night. I needed to respond, but wanted to find a way to communicate that I didn't want to talk about the wedding with him. We could make plans for July & leave it at that, right?! The word that came to me immediately though, was BAIT. I knew it was bait - to reel me in to crazy town with him.

So, 24 hours later (I have yet to respond), I get another email from him. This one is less subtle and more manipulative and victim-y. Short & bitter it simply said: Sorry...since I never hear from you unless it is the obligatory holiday call I won't bother you. I really get the sense that I am to be forgotten

I KNEW it was bait! Yeah, okay so this one pissed me off! I wrote out one email & then deleted most of it and re-wrote another because I knew the first version was just biting back. This may seem like an overreaction on my part, but I've been dealing with this for 2 years, I KNOW the routine.

I DID use the opportunity to draw some boundaries about not wanting to talk about my mom, her fiance, her wedding or anything else. I said that I want a healthy relationship with him and he can call me too - it's not just my responsibility to call him. Also, why cant he just say 'I miss you' and 'what's new?' Why does it always have to be this over-dramatic crap?

Well, I will sum up the rest, because I'm not going to justify his vomit & vial spewings. Basically, it did not go well. He was absolutely verbally abusive & after many attempts to reason with him - making the truth plain before him, it became blazingly obvious that there is just no point. I told him that we are both adults, and our relationship is our own. He can't blame anyone else. And at this point he is pushing me out with his actions & behavior.

I didn't say this, but at the end of the day, I know that I can't fix him. I'm not his mother - I have 3 children, I do not need a 4th that is in his 50's. I just cant do it. And more than that, it's not fair to my family. When he is spewing his crap, it affects me. He is trying to pull me into crazy town, and I just cannot let him do that to me anymore.

This week I have had to pray constantly and play worship music continuously (seriously 24 hours a day) just to hold on to sanity by my finger nails.

So it is desperately sad to me, but I just cannot continue to have relationship with him at this point. If he was physically hitting me, I wouldn't take it anymore. I have had counsel about this as well, because I just plain don't trust my emotions. I'm too in the middle to see straight.

What I DO know, is that I have put up with this for 2 years. He is not capable of having a relationship at this point. And I cannot sacrifice my own sanity for him or the sanity of my family, and my children. I'm not going to do it.

He is an addict. Alcohol, sex, and God only knows what else. He has been for (most likely) his entire adult life. I know that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. More than that - I cannot be a casualty of his addictions & sickness. I cannot allow his choices and drama to throw my life into upheaval, to affect my mood or the mood of my household. All I can do is decide to be healthy.

So, that is what I am trying to do.

Growing up

So, Roz got a new haircut! It really makes her look so grown up, which is scary and amazing all at the same time. How does time fly so quickly?

She also lost her first tooth!

Which was closely followed by the loss of her second tooth.

Ack! How can she be so big already?!

Gardens and other good ideas

Do you have visions of yourself being all uber-domestic and earthy - having a beautiful garden packed full of luscious vegetables and fruit but is also perfectly weeded? This is, of course, also includes having a gorgeous green yard that is free of all weeds as well. I have this vision every summer. Okay, my vision is just to have a gorgeous green yard. I'm not so picky as to ask for the garden yet. Unfortunately, every summer I go into it with the best of intentions and by the end, my grass is mostly brown or at very best a dull green, with brown patches in the spots that get no shade.

We don't have a sprinkler system and that is absolutely the number one issue. It's so hard to be consistent with watering the lawn without one. However, the very close runner up issue is that every summer we leave for at least 2 weeks (more like 3) to visit my family in the midwest. Most years my hubby has had to stay home to teach summer school (and to take a golfing trip with a few close friends). Well, let's just get real and admit that this is when the system breaks down.

My hubby is not a lawn guy. He doesn't really do consistency very well either - especially without the rest of us around. In fact, by the end of our trip, he's kind of a pathetic mess. He is lost without us. Which, I actually have to admit, I'm glad about. I'm glad that he misses us like crazy and that he feels lost without us.

The lawn going to crap is not all his fault though. After we get home, the routine of taking care of the yard is shot to hell for me! I haven't had to think about it for several weeks and it takes a while to get back into the groove. By the time I do, it's just too late. So, we settle for grass that looks like crap and that is on life support for the rest of the summer.

This last summer we vowed that we were going to install a sprinkler system this year. The only problem is that we went on this incredible family vacation this winter (Disneyland) and we were already carrying debt before that due to life - building an awesome new shed last summer to replace our shed that was destroyed by the snow the winter before, car stuff, other needs with life, and having to pay for a trip to the midwest entirely on our own (we usually get some help from my parents with the cost of the trip, since it's a trip that is basically a requirement every year. My grandmas lay on the guilt, let me tell you!). Let me preface this by saying, I really LOVE my family and I LOVE that we have this tradition. It is just that as a one income family with small children, we really don't have it in our budget to pay for this trip every year. I mean we are talking about a trip that costs us at least $2000 (usually more by the time you talk about getting the SUV tuned up for a trip like that, as well as gas, food, hotels, etc) PLUS, with the added bonus of my parents divorce the trip is now even longer and more expensive than before - awesome.

So, the sprinkler system will have to wait.

As far as our yearly trek to the midwest, it is something I absolutely look forward to every summer. It is when I see my aunts/uncles/cousins/grandmas as well as all of my friends from there. When I go, it's always so hard to leave too. I feel so conflicted. I SO relate with that movie 'Sweet Home Alabama' in those times. I love my life in Spokane and yet when I go home and visit my family and so many incredible friends - that fits too! It is so hard to leave them all and I often wish that we lived closer to each other to be able to get together and have coffee and to just stay close. These friends are the kind where we pick up right where we left...it's not just about talking about old times, but really about catching up and remembering how well we really DO know each other and love each other. It sucks to say goodbye!

PLUS, I have these totally different worlds that I feel like I belong to, and I SO wish that people from one world could see the other parts of who I am. I wish that my awesome friends from the midwest could visit me in Spokane and see my home and get a better picture of who I am and my life now. Heck, even my grandmas have no idea about my life here. The only people who have a whole picture of my life are my parents and siblings (thank God). And I wish that people from here could see my life back there and see a bigger picture of my history and have a greater understanding of who I am (and why).

All of that to say, tele-porting would really come in handy for me...anyone have any leads in that?? If so, please contact me!